I began my freshman year of high school at a public school close to my house . After 5 weeks at the school, of which were filled with tardies, absences, and grades that were submerged in toilet water, my mother made the decision to pluck me out of said school, and place me in an all-boys, private, military boarding school in the middle of nowhere in a neighboring state. Needless to say, I was pissed, but I figured it wouldn’t be so bad after arriving at the school. Within minutes I met my roommate. He was short, babyfaced, and seemed like an even-tempered, all around cool dude. I thought that we would be great together, and began looking forward to rooming with him for the rest of year. As you can expect, boy was I fucking wrong.
After meeting my roommate, I met a group of kids who were clones of my friends from back home. Later in the evening while eating pizza in the recreation center, one of them says to me “Dude I feel so fuckin sorry for you”, to which I reply something along the lines of “Yeah I know, it doesn’t seem all that bad though. I think I’ll like this place to be honest”. I distinctly remember all of them simultaneously stopping whatever they were doing, giving each other looks, and then proceeding to fall over each other with laughs. I, not really knowing what was going on, even began laughing myself.
After they all recovered from whatever the fuck just happened, one of them says “No you idiot, we don’t care about the school. We mean your roommate!” I was immediatley struck with a sudden feeling of gloom and despair packed into one. It was like a sad “oh-shit” of sorts. I ask them to elaborate. They eagerly inform me that my roommate had returned back to the school several hours before I arrived. From where, I’m sure you’re all wondering. From a fucking mental hospital that we passed on the way to the school. Cue in another sad oh-shit moment. Fuck man. They told, over bounding laughter, that after a couple days after the first day of school, he had suddenly taken up satanism.
At first, it was no big deal. Everyone just teased him and laughed at him. That is, until he began trying to perfrom possessions on other people. This continued on for several more weeks. IT all came to an end (or so everyone thought), on one fateful morning, when a large mob, armed with lacrosse sticks and hockey sticks, formed outside of his room demanding to be let in. Security was called, and he was whisked away to the hospital… only to return a week later, supposedly cured of his illness.
Within minutes of the lights being turned off, he politely informs of me of his past misdeeds, as well as the fact that he had every intention to pick up right where he left off, before asking me not to tell anyone. He also informed me that he was a raving bisexual, and told me of the many crushes that he had at the school , and also asked me not to tell anyone. I agreed before silently crying myself to sleep with a bible under my pillow.
Fortunately, with the help of my newfound friends, I was able to get my situation changed up within days of arriving at the school . Unfortunately, I went straight outta the fryer and into the frying pan. My next roommate was, and I quote this from another story that I read on this website, an enigma trapped inside of an oxymoron. He was incredibly tidy. Annoyingly tidy. As you can expect, his cleanliness and my new arrival at the school didn’t mesh well. Despite his cleanliness, the guy was a fucking pig when it came to personal hygiene. I rarely saw him shower, and he sometimes would have BO like a mother fucker. He was also the one of the best and worst cadets I’ve ever seen. He was great with rifle drill, his uniform was always perfect, and was good at everything else that goes along with being a great cadet. However, he was greatly insolent to both cadet and adult leader ship. It’s very rare that you see a guy in life who truly doesn’t give a fuck. This guy was one of them. He gave zero, i repeat, absolutely nooooooo fucks about what he said to anyone. Almost every morning I would see him brazenly cussing out our leadership from the push up position. You could see on their faces they had absolutely no idea what to do with him. They couldn’t punish him, but they didn’t want to kick him out because he was such a good cadet. Almost every evening I would witness my RFO, whom might I add is a hardened Air Force Veteran who flew dangerous missions in two wars, absolutely doing his best to chew this guy out. We’re talking about spitting in his face, yelling loud as hell in face, swearing at him, putting his hands in his face. Nothing worked. This guy’s face would remain stoic as hell throughout the scolding and then break into a smile. I had never seen anything like it.
Anyways, at first this guy and I got along surprisingly well. He taught me how to clean, was great at conversation, and was overall just a cool dude. This didn’t last very long. He soon became rude, annoying, and the smell became way too much. I’m not gonna go into specifics for the sake of length, and also because nothing major happened, but the guy went from being a dream roommate to a piece of shit in the span of a couple months. Needless to say, the request for an exchange was put in, and once again, I got the short end of the stick .
I was placed with a new kid who arrived at the school hours before. By then I was pretty much used to roommates seeming all cool when I first met them and then revealing themselves to be weirdos and shitbags, in that order, soon after, so I wasn’t fooled by this kid’s front. And I wasn’t foolish to not be fooled. He was a compulsive liar, and a compulsive masturbator. He was never cleaned the room, and never cleaned himself. On top of that, this kid had the WORST, I repeat, the absolute fucking worst ADD I’ve ever seen. He was like a bullet that endlessly richocheted around the room. He was always up running around the small ass 7×11 (I think) room, and when I finally was able to sit him down, his mouth would run non stop. All day nigga. About literally the stupidest of shit I’ve ever heard. Girls that he supposedly fucked. How he used to sell coke. How he had 3 cars. This and that. He never shut up. He would costantly butt into my phone conversations and facetimes. There were many times when I got girls to believe I either didn’t have a roommate or that he wasn’t in the room, and right when they were about to reveal themselves to me, he would come bounding into the camera with a “Hey what’s she doing” and ruin everything. He was like a fucking child, and I was his dad. I found myself constantly explaining to him why no one ever wanted to come to the room because of how bad it smelled, or why he didn’t really have many friends. His few friends would come into the room late at night on fucking school nights to play minecraft and talk about masturbation until the fucking morning. Also, as you might expect, a shitty room is not tolerated at military school. I found myself having to clean up after the both of us constantly, to no avail. I mean I would finish cleaning and leave the room, and come back less than an hour later to find it completely trashed once again. We were constantly being physically punished by leadership. I began to openly tell him how stupid and childish he was and how much I hated having him as a roommate. For this, he reported me to the RFO for bullying. I got fucked because he lied about things that I said. Our room got so bad the fucking commandant of the school took us both to McDonald’s on the day that we finally passed a room inspection. After 8 weeks of my constant complaints, my RFO finally got off his ass and switched me. And there I went; out of the frying pan and into the fryer, out of the fryer into the stove.
If you’re liking this so far, I assure, the best, or worst in my case, had yet to come.
By then my old roommate and I had made up. Like I said, he was cool dude, he could just be kind of rude sometimes. By then I had become better at cleaning, and earned some clout around the school as well as respect from him. He had never gotten a roommate when I moved out, and welcomed the prospect of me moving back in. Although our relationship eventually did detereorate, it didn’t happen until months later. For the first couple weeks, it was smooth sailing. We kept the room in tip top shape and got along well. We always cheated on our homework together and talked about how much we hated the school and how fucked up we were gonna get this coming spring break. Then, there came a night that I will never forget. Before I tell you what happened, in retrospect, from the perspetive a matured 17 yr old, it wasn’t that big of a deal. But at the time, my 14 year old self was ready to have a heart attack.
Anyways, my baby ass would usually fall asleep soon after lights out came. This particular night, however, I was having some trouble falling asleep. I was listening to music and the bed began to rumble, but I brushed it off as it being an earth quake (my dumbass, we were in fucking Wisconsin) and went back to listening to music. Around 15 minutes later, I looked up and realized thebed was still shaking, only way more aggressively. I was slightly alarmed. I took off my headphones and leaned over my bedside to ask my roommate was happening. After seeing his underwear around his ankles and the light from his lap top coming from his chest area, I rolled back over quick as hell and let out a sigh of despair No fucking way. I began texting my mom and borderline cussing her out for sending me to this school. This guy was on skype with his girl friend from Mexico saying shit like me encanta while beating his dick loud as fuck. We’re talking moans, faps, and I could even hear the sound of the lotion. It was… a sobering experience. After he finished, he stood up, didn’t even clean himself off, got a cigarette out of a compartment I’d never even seen, smoked that bitch in the fucking room, and then got back in bed and went to sleep, and had the nerve to ask why I was acting weird the next morning. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning.
The next night, just as I was about to drift into sleep, I was awoken by the rumbling of our bed and a fapping sound. Fuck. I was awoken several hours later to him sobbing deeply, like a fucking woman that just lost her child. I called his name. Sudden silence. What the hell? I brushed it off and went to bed. When I asked him about it the next morning he acted clueless. Well okay then…
Anyways, the after hours masturbation continued on throughout the week, and I gradually began to lose my patience. I enjoy a wank or two myself, but I would always go to the bathroom and do it or do it when I knew my roommate was completely asleep, and unlike him I would actually take care to know that I roommate was completely asleep.
Finally on Friday night, at around 9 he’s on skype with his girl friend, and with the little Spanish I knew, I was cued in on fact that things were about to get raunchy in a little bit. I told myself I couldn’t take it, not tonight. I grabbed my pillow and blanket and stormed out of the room. I slept in a friend’s room that night. This was friend was odd. He was one of the coolest people at the school but no one really liked him because he was a dick. That night, thankfully, he was in a pretty good mood. We stayed and up and talked for a while, and I really enjoyed that night, ignorant to the coming storm…
At 6 in the morning on Saturday we were both awoken to a sharp rapping at the door. It was the first sergeant, telling us to get out. Us both being shit bag cadets, we acted like we were getting out of bed, and soon as the first sergeant’s face dissappeared from the window, we climbed right back into bed for an extra couple minutes of sleep. Within the seconds, the door to the room flies open. It’s the first sergeant again, this time accompanied by the night guard, an asshole of a man who does nothing but chew tobacco and sit his apartment all day. In my sophomore year, he called a black kid a nigger to his face. The screaming begins. We exit the room. The night guard is all in my face. I could smell the tobacco, coffee and liquor on his breath and had full view of his pearly oranges. Before nearly passing out from the stench of this guy’s mouth, I’m informed that I am now fucked because I didn’t tell him that I was sleeping in a different room.
Apparently, after my roommate got done jacking off, he went into his wallet to discover that 1000 bucks were missing. One of the kids that I had in the room that night, who I assure did not do it, was a known thief. At 2 in the fucking morning, this kid goes down to the other kids room and starts banging on his door asking for the money back. The kid opens it and a brief scuffle ensues, before the night guard breaks his up. He searches through my friends things and finds nothing, and then heads back up to my room to fill out a report with my roommate. Upon noticing that I’m not there, he decides to wait until 6 to fuck on me. He doesn’t really do much. He has me walk up and down the hallways and endure the scowls of my company mates before sending everyone back to bed.
I’m about to go into my room when I hear my name being called further down the hall. It’s my platoon leader, a known insomniac. It was just my luck that on the night that all this shit happened, he had finally been able to settle down at a decent hour. After being awoken at 6, we both knew he wasn’t going back to sleep ,and he was pissed. He gives me 25 pound dumbells, has me hold them above my head, and duck walk down and around the corner of our long ass hallway and back several times. Afterwards, he has me take out all the trash in the building. Mind you, it’s still dark outside, in the middle of winter in northern Wisconsin, probably about 2 degrees, and a majority of the trash cans don’t have bags. For the next hour or so I hauled large trash cans in nearly subzero weather to a dumpster on the other side of campus. When I got back, funky from my workout and covered in trash, he didn’t let me shower.
Eventually my roommate and I’s relationship went back to shit. He became an asshole again. And began trying to pick on me. One day he comes in with a shitload of contraband, brags about it, and tells me exactly where he’s gonna hide it before starting to yell and talk shit. Un fucking believable. I don’t think he was surprised when the RFO came into the room and took all the shit he had purchased. Separation was inevitable, only this time, he was the one that got the booty end of the stick. He had to move out of the room and move in with some fat smelly annoying kid, while my best friend moved in with me :). We finished the year strong and won room inspection several times, aside from making countless great memories.
Sophomore year came and went. The roommate situation didn’t start off so well. I had who was cool but smelled like dog shit, followed by a really good friend of mine whose fan I broke in an episode of sleep walking. No worries though, we laughed it off. I worked hard to attain a leadership position that year and earned one, although it came at a price. My school thought it would be great idea to room a sophomore with a 7th grader. Whatever. I kept performing well in my position and earned a higher one, and with it came my own room :). Fin a fucking lly.
Although these experiences did really suck when I was in the them, I now laugh about ALMOST all of them, and my cast of shady roommates has prepared me very well for when I head off to college.