I’m 34, was living in a great apartment just me and my girlfriend, everything was great, but then out of no where, she breaks up with me and says its time to move on to bigger and better things, so I pack my stuff and go.
My buddy Lance lets me crash at his place for a while, things are great for a while, we hang out, have some beers, play some video games and watch some flicks, then Lance lets another of his buddies crash here too. The apartment is really small, 1 bedroom place, I was sleepin on the couch/bed and Lance in his room, then his buddy moves in, so now I have to share a bed with Lance because his buddy needs the couch bed, his buddy is a huge guy, 6’10” and over 500 pounds, Lance is pretty huge as well at 6’6″ and 400! Me, I’m the opposite, I’m 5’4″ and 130 and lean.
For a a couple days I could tolerate it but after a while it got to be too much. Since there’s no kitchen table or chairs we have to sit on the couch to eat, I’m always squished in the middle between those fat 2 giants, they have the smelliest farts, and they always rip one when I’m squished between them! Lance’s buddy is the one who rips one the worst all the time. When I’m working out doing chin ups, Lance’s buddy always gives me a surprise bear hug and he heaves me over his shoulder and carries me, because I’m so much smaller than them, he does that alot, Lance does that too sometimes, last night they wee in the mood for horse play and they took turns giving me bear hugs even though I wanted to go to bed after delivering pizzas.
They eat most of the food even the stuff I buy, they messed up my clothes when I do my laundry, shrinking all my pants and shirts, my pizza delivery t-shirts are now are now 4 sizes too small when I go to work.
The bathroom was fine before Lance’s buddy moved in, now things get moved and lost, the toilet is always plugged and the bathroom door doesn’t have a lock which really sucks. Everytime I’m in the middle of a shower, Lance’s buddy barges in and uses the toilet.
Last weekend Lance’s buddy invited Lance to go with him on a fishing trip with his brother and his brother’s boys, Lance dragged me along for the ride, so there I was wearing a shrunken wifebeater with my bellybutton exposed (thanks to Lance shrinking my clothes), in a van once again squished between Lance and his buddy on a 3 hour long car ride on a really hot day, his buddy’s brother was a lumberjack looking guy, about 6’10” and husky, cracking jokes at how small I was compared to everyone else in the van, the 2 boys were about 10 and 12, the older kid towered over me by 5 inches and the younger one was exactly my height, the majority of the weekend the guys made comments on how little I was and the first thing Lance’s buddy did when we got to the campground was give me a surprise bear hug from behind, Lance then stuck a feather in my bellybutton while the boys laughed, the dad commented that I had ‘hairy washboard abs’.
Since there was six of us we had two tents, one tent for the dad and the boys and one tent for me and the 2 fat giants, man were they gassy that night, I preferred the apartment over being cramped in that tiny tent, I probably passed out from all that gas!
By the time the trip ended, I had received at least 20 bear hugs from Lance’s buddy, Lance and his buddy’s brother and even one from the 12-year-old who towered over me! Most of the trip I was drowsy on sleeping aids so it didn’t really bother me. We had the 3 hour drive home with me this time sitting in the very back with the two boys since I was deemed one of the boys due to my size but once again in the middle but at least they were not bloated whales like Lance and his buddy, the most I had to deal with was questions about the tattoos on my lower back and side of my stomach thanks to my wifebeater being too small.
By the time we got back, Lance, his buddy and me were all very smelly and we fought over who got to shower first, I even made a good point with my deep commanding voice (surprisingly I can hit the lowest bass notes despite my small stature) I was the last to take a shower, and since I was the last one, the water was freezing and there was hair all over the tub. Thus ending the most bizarre weekend ever.
And there you have it folks, my worst roommate story, living with 2 giants. Luckily Lance’s buddy is moving out next week to go live with his parents.
-Stanley The Pizza Guy