I’ve been living with “Diane” for almost four months now. It was one of those friend of a friend deals. One of the girls I work with had a friend who was looking for an apartment and so was I so we were introduced and found a nice apartment not too far from our jobs. Diane seemed nice enough and has been working at the same place for a couple years now and had no problem coming up with her share of the deposit and first month’s rent. She agreed to split utilities 50-50 with me and she had nice furniture for the living room and all that so I’m thinking everything is going to be great.
Wrong. A couple days after we get settled I met her boyfriend “Jack.” They are total opposites. Diane is very well groomed, dresses nice and very thoughtful of others. She’s about 5 feet 2 inches tall, and a little bit overweight (she calls it baby fat) and takes good care of herself. Jack is 6 feet 8 inches tall and can’t weigh more than 190 lbs. You can see every bone in his body. Long, greasy hair done up in a pony tail halfway down his back. Mullet style. You know. Serious up front, party in the back. One arm is totally covered with tattoos and he has a pierced nose and upper lip with those huge hoop piercings stretching out both earlobes. Pock-marked face and that “forgot to shave this morning” beard. In short, total White Trash. He talks like a total southern hick, even though he’s never lived out of Wisconsin and he always has what he calls “just a pinch between his cheek and gum.” Yes, he chews tobacco. His teeth, I kid you not, are orange.
Jack is 29 years old and still lives with his parents. He works construction as a laborer. He’s on a restricted drivers license and wears an ankle bracelet because he got a DUI about a half year ago. He can only drive to and from work. He had to get special permission from a judge to be able to come to our apartment. I think this is like his second or third DUI. He’s not suppose to drink, but Diane buys him beer.
So guess what. Jack is over at our apartment 90% of the time. He spends Monday nights at home and that’s it. Jack is a swine. He leaves his “spit cups” all over the apartment. Two in the living room, one in the kitchen, one in the bathroom and a couple in Diane’s bedroom. They are those big red plastic solo cups and he won’t throw them out until they are over half full of his disgusting, vile “chew” as he calls it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him spit and miss the cup and get that vile crap all over the furniture and the floor.
I think Jack has owned the same pairs of underwear for over ten years. They are stained and full of holes and when he gets home from work all he wears is a ratty old bathrobe, open in the front, and his underwear (and of course his Green Bay Packers baseball cap- that never comes off). If I have to see his totally gross uncircumcised penis hanging halfway out a hole in his underwear one more time I am going to scream.
Jack couldn’t hit the toilet bowl when he pees if it were ten feet around. Does he shut the bathroom door when he pees? Oh hell no. Does he bother to flush the toilet after he pees? Oh hell no. You know what he says? “If it’s yellow let it mellow and if it’s brown flush it down- that’s what my momma taught me.” And do you know what a girl really wants to see first thing in the morning when she gets up to go to the bathroom? A used condom floating in the toilet. Not. He does that all the time.
He leaves dirty clothes strewn all over the apartment and if you ask him to pick them up? “That’s woman’s work.” He hogs the TV and what does he watch? The Cartoon Network! About the only thing he does do around the apartment is fix things. Our apartment is in an older building and we have old appliances. He not only gladly fixes anything we need fixed, but will help the neighbors also. And he does contribute towards groceries and will occasionally even cook (BBQ or meat on the grill only, though).
I’ve asked Diane what he sees in him because he’s a total Chauvinist Pig and thinks women are second-class slaves, basically. All she can say over and over is how sweet he is to her. And he really is. He spoils her rotten and I have no idea how he affords it. You should see the diamond earrings she got for Christmas.
I’m debating on either giving Diane and ultimatum and telling her he cannot stay here anymore or just moving out and finding a place on my own, but I definitely want to get as far away from Jack as possible.